Flying High
The clouds look so fluffy like perfect white pillows surrounding her. If she wasn't in this airplane, she would probably attempt to lie on them and just lounge for hours on end. Staring at these objects gives her a warm feeling inside. Something rare that can't be found else where.
The ground, so far below her, frightens her. She looks over occasionally to see her mother and who gives a smile that signals everything will be ok. Don't worry. Nothing bad will happen. Ever.
Then comes the daydream. Floating through the air, no weight to drag down from. Pure weightlessness. Sometimes she just want to be like this all the time. Be in her own little world. No problems. No drama. Just all about her. It never fails to please her. Or even me.
She tells me these things. Happens all the time when she's in sadness or doubt. Clearing her mind of all things troubling her. At such a young age, she understands that reality is something not even the strongestest of people can deal with.
Fly High, little me. Fly High and touch the sky. Without a fear or care in the world, she transports herself back to the clouds.
Theresa,
ReplyDeleteThis needs major revision.
First, it needs to be in the feeling of one of Cisneros's vignettes, and this one is not. Hers rarely use the words "I," "me," or other first person pronouns. Hers describe everything going on around her in the vignette. She uses imagery to create the picture of each vignette. This is not really a vignette. It's a simple, straightforward declaration of what happened.
Second, your vignette is part of your project grade for this unit. I cannot accept this as a creative project.
Try again.
ok.. i made a different topic with a different POV on things.. is this better?
ReplyDeleteIt's much better! Fix these errors:
ReplyDelete1. No colon after "Flying High"
2. Merge the first two sentences--"The clouds look like white pillows surrounding her." ("Tiny" is the wrong word for them. Even a small cloud is still big.)
3. There are more than one clouds, hence, "them," not "it." Also, it's "lie," not "lay."
4. "this objects" ???
5. "elsewhere" is one word
6. "mother," not "mom"
7. Her mother is a person, a "who," not a "that."
8. "sucha" is not a word
9. "a priceless lesson that lives on" is cliched and corny and it makes no sense
From now on, I will not do this type of line edit for you. It is time consuming and not fair to me or to other students. Please re-read your work--out loud--if necessary, and start catching your own errors. Yes, it is an improvement but by now your group should have about 5 posts like this.
Still typos and errors. Please read again and catch them! I have too many blogs to read to do it for your.
ReplyDeleteYou're almost there, but a perfect thing to add would be imagery from the daydream. It's still mostly opinion and telling of general facts. Where are the word pictures?
One more revision, please. Make it a piece you can be really proud of.